How To Deal If You & Your Partner Have Different Sleep Schedules
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How To Deal If You & Your Partner Have Different Sleep Schedules
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How To Deal If You & Your Partner Have Different Sleep Schedules

Different Sleep Schedules in a Relationship Can Be Challenging — Here’s How to Deal

Very few couples enjoy the luxury of sharing the same sleeping schedule, either due to differing work demands or just conflicting internal clocks. Sound familiar? If so, you may be struggling to figure out how to accommodate each other’s opposing needs. But where there’s a will to peacefully coexist — there’s a way, according to experts.

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Having different sleep schedules can definitely pose some challenges — for example, one partner may want to stay up watching one more episode of The Office while the other is trying to catch some Zs, or feel frustrated that they aren't getting enough quality time together at night because their partner passes out long before them.

Not to mention, the night owl in the relationship is bound to feel resentful when the early bird’s alarm clock is blaring in the wee hours, whereas the early bird won’t likely appreciate when the night owl wakes them up by coming into bed at 2 a.m. This can lead to two very irritable, under-rested people who are far more prone to bickering.

In fact, in an older study in the Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, couples whose wake and sleep patterns were mismatched reported significantly more marital conflict — and less sexual intercourse and time spent in shared activities. In another 2018 study, women reported being happier in their relationship when shared the same chronotype (timing of their sleep-wake cycle) with their partner.

None of this is to say you’re doomed, of course. In some cases, you can actually use these differing sleep schedules to your advantage, says Dr. Natalie Barnett, VP of Clinical Research at Nanit. For example, couples with kids may be grateful to have one parent who can get up early to pack school lunches, and another parent to handle a baby who wakes up in the middle of the night.

Bottom line? As long as you heed the following expert tips, there’s definitely hope for your relationship to thrive — despite your incompatible bedtimes.

1. Look for a middle ground

If you and your partner’s sleeping schedules don’t differ that drastically — Dr. Chris Winter, a sleep researcher, neurologist and sleep expert at Mattress Firm — suggests finding a compromise when you can. For example, if you tend to go to bed at 10 p.m. and your partner likes to go to bed at midnight, what might it be like for you both to hit the hay at 11 p.m.? Alternatively, even if the night owl in the relationship isn’t ready to go to sleep yet, can they spend some time unwinding with their SO in bed even if they don’t doze off right away?

Making small shifts in your routine to accommodate your partner shows that you care about their needs, and can go a long way in maintaining harmony in the relationship.

“Compromise could also mean one partner going to bed earlier some nights and the other partner staying up later on others,” adds Kalley Hartman, licensed marriage and family therapist and men’s clinical director of Ocean Recovery. “Ultimately, it's important to find a solution that works for both partners so neither feels neglected.”

2. Get curious

Helen Wyatt, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Center for Modern Relationships, emphasizes that it’s important to ask your partner questions about their sleeping habits, desires, and goals.

For instance, consider asking them what they feel they’re missing out on by not going to bed at the same time. Is it that your contrasting schedules disrupts their ability to get quality sleep? Do they feel like they’re missing out on time to emotionally connect with you at the end of the day? Or are they feeling the effects in your sex life since bedtime is typically the one opportunity you have in your busy schedules for physical intimacy?

Getting curious about these things will help you and your partner to be more compassionate about where each other is coming from. That way, you’re in a much better position to compromise and make adjustments to meet each other’s needs.

3. Use noise- and light-blocking tools

Don’t underestimate the power of a white noise machine, pair of earplugs, or a light-blocking sleep mask. These items can help ensure that you don’t wake each other up when you’re coming in and out of the bedroom at different times.

Winter highly recommends QuietOn, earbuds that can reduce the sound of snoring, traffic, and other noises.

4. Carve out — and make the most of — quality time

For many couples, bedtime is when they finally get to relax together, process what happened that day, and maybe enjoy some much-needed cuddling. So, if you’re not turning down together, it’s important to intentionally schedule quality time.

Winter suggests sitting down to figure out when your wake time overlaps and planning special dates during those windows. For example, if you both work from home, maybe you can take a lunch break at the same time. Or, if you know you both have a window of free time between 6 and 8:30 p.m., consider making plans to cook dinner and watch a movie together.

To make the most of that free time together, Winter also advises getting housework, emailing, and other obligations out of the way while your partner is sleeping.

“As long as they can be done without disturbing your partner, chores like dishes and laundry are great tasks to have out of the way so the overlapping wake times can be spent in fun bonding activities,” he explains.

5. Invest in a mattress that reduces motion transfer

Do you have a tendency to wake up whenever your partner gets in and out of bed? Or maybe your partner tosses and turns a lot, which constantly disrupts your sleep?

Elisa Regulski, a certified sleep science coach at Mattress Clarity, strongly recommends getting a mattress that can limit motion transfer, which is the level of movement shared from one part of the mattress to another.

As a general rule, memory foam, latex, and hybrid mattresses are great at absorbing motion, whereas innerspring mattresses don’t offer a lot in the way of motion isolation and polyfoam and microcoil mattresses fall somewhere in the middle.

RELATED: Best Mattresses For Couples

6. Be considerate

Waking up your partner by loudly opening and closing drawers or turning on bright lights is bound to annoy them — and potentially lead to an argument. That’s why Barnett recommends going the extra mile to avoid waking them up, whether you’re getting into bed after them or out of bed before them.

For instance, she suggests using a dim night light in the bedroom so that the night owl in the relationship can navigate the room while the other is asleep. Or, you could also leave your PJs or office clothes outside the bedroom so neither of you wakes the other while getting undressed for bed or dressed for work.

7. Consider a sleep divorce

Sleeping in separate beds may not seem like the most romantic thing in the world, but experts agree that as a last resort, this strategy can salvage your relationship. If it’s the only way to ensure you both get a good night’s sleep, it’s worth considering this option.

Sometimes referred to as a “sleep divorce,” this can entail sleeping in entirely separate rooms, or just individual beds within the same room. It all depends on what you need, and what challenges you’re facing.

“Sleeping in different beds can actually strengthen your relationship if it resolves conflict and helps both partners get the rest they need to feel their best,” says Stephen Light, a certified sleep science coach and CEO and co-owner of Nolah Mattress. “Consistency helps strengthen your circadian rhythm, and better sleep health and mood can go a long way to improving your relationship and overall quality of life.”

To be clear, this doesn’t mean you have to sleep separately every night. You might decide to sleep in the same bed on weekends when you have a little more flexibility in your schedule to stay up late or sleep in. Or, you might schedule one date night a week when you enjoy some pre-snooze canoodling in the same bed.

It’s all about finding what works best for you and your partner. And remember: this arrangement doesn’t have to last forever. Test the waters and see how you feel after a one-month trial.

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